From Draft NOtices, July - September 2019
-- Interviewed by Jesús Mendez Carbajal
Q: Could you tell us about yourself?
A: My name is Juan Juárez. I am from Oceanside, California. I grew up in a predominantly Spanish-speaking migrant community. A lot of people who grew up there are first generation. I think that really shaped a lot of who I am today. Currently, I am starting Cal State San Marcos in the fall and I try to stay as active as I can in my community up in Oceanside.
Q: What branch did you enlist in? How old were you when you enlisted? And why did you decide to enlist?
A: I enlisted in the Army in the year 2005 when I was 23 years old, and I got out in 2012. At that time, the reason I enlisted was because of money, because I didn’t have money to do much. I did have a job but it just wasn’t . . . I wasn’t really going anywhere with it and I had a lot of debt and it was frustrating. I didn’t know where to go to get that kind of support to see how I could pay off that debt. I feel like had I not had that debt, I don’t think I would have enlisted. Also, subconsciously, I think I also enlisted because I needed to get away. I was stuck in a box and I was living other people’s expectations, especially back then. I knew I was gay so that played a big part in it, so I was hiding myself and I really didn’t really have another escape. I didn’t know how else to get out of it besides through the Army. I think I needed to find myself, maybe that’s what it was.
Q: Where were you stationed during your time in the Army?
A: I was stationed at Fort Jackson, South Carolina; at Fort Lee, Virginia; Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah, Georgia; Fort Irwin, California and Fort Carson, Colorado.
Q: In the process of deciding to enlist, did you talk to others about it?
A: I don’t think I processed [my decision] with anyone. I think it was a [decision I made] that was very internalized [and] on my own. [Having debt and being gay] were things that were very [private to me], I didn’t speak to anyone about it. I do remember having a conversation with a friend of mine and she mentioned, “Sometimes you just have to go out there and do it.” And, actually, the next day after I had that conversation, I went and then enlisted and I didn’t tell anyone. I just went.
Q: What was your experience of identifying as a gay person like in the Army?
A: I feel like I passed. I passed as a straight man and I think that really deflected anyone asking or questioning my sexuality. So that really helped me, actually, because I did see compañeras and compañeros who were more visible with who they were and they were picked on. For me, being able to pass really helped me and softened any retaliation against me within what I feel like is a very masculine and toxic environment [the Army]. But, just because I passed as straight it didn’t mean that I didn’t feel a certain way about it. For example, I had a boyfriend when I was in the Army, but I couldn’t go around telling everyone “I have a boyfriend, I have a boyfriend,” because it was during the time of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” I was limited as to what I could tell them just because in the back of my mind I was afraid if I told someone, then they were gonna go back and tell my command, and my command was then going to discharge me [and I would get dishonorably discharged]. Having a dishonorable discharge over your head is probably the worst thing you can do as an enlisted person in whatever branch you’re in.
Q: How did you manage to get out of the Army?
A: There’s two main reasons I got out: one reason is that I was tired of having to ask for everything. Every time I wanted to come home, I had to “propose it” to my commander, which he would then approve it or deny it, which became annoying. If I had to go to the doctor or anywhere, I had to tell them. And a second reason was because I felt it in my heart that the military wasn’t helping. They feed you this idea that the military helps, but I just knew it in my heart that it wasn’t doing that. I remember thinking, “I don’t want to share my energy with an institution or collective that is actually oppressing people.” So, when my reenlistment was coming up, I declined to reenlist and then left.
Q: What was your experience after getting out of the Army?
A: Coming out was a difficult transition for me. I had internalized so many ideas from the military, and I had some sort of elitist mentality. It took me about two years to separate myself from it. It was really hard for me to connect with civilians because I still had a military mentality. It was really difficult for me to buy colored pencils back into my life because in the military we could only use black or blue pens and only commanders could use red pens. Growing up in Oceanside, my family had mixed immigration statuses and we would always stay away from checkpoints. And when I was in the military, being in full uniform and with “every right” to be on base for my post, still feeling anxious and nervous.
Q: Did you have any support when you transitioned out of the Army?
A: I continued to do things on my own once I transitioned out. In 2015, I became homeless. I fell into depression for about a year. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I had to seek out VA benefits, which was an elaborate process. Trying to get anything from the VA is exhausting and they want everything crossed and dotted and if you don’t do that, your services get pushed back even more. I think 2016 was my comeback to who I am today. I’ve been seeing a mental health professional since 2015 and it has helped me a lot. Building community through student organizing, community organizing, and my community is what really helped me come back to myself.
Q: Do you have any words of advice for anyone thinking of enlisting in any of the branches of the military?
A: I want to be respectful about everyone’s decision. A lot of the people who do enlist are young folks. I want them to consider that [they] may not have all the information yet. By that I mean that, in my experience, the recruiters presented a lot [of promises] to me that I truly believed as an impressionable person. The Army helped me realize what friendship was, it helped me realize that brotherhood, sisterhood and siblinghood exist, outside of your immediate family. And I think that is what I’m thankful for learning in the Army, but that’s it, no more. I also found that there are other opportunities and other spaces where you can create community, too -- doesn’t necessarily have to be in the Army. Do what you need to do for yourself -- put yourself first. Meeting the needs of others is a constant thing in the military. I used to put the needs of other people before me and I definitely put the needs of the Army before my own when I enlisted. I used to be a big advocate of people enlisting in the Army to go away, but I am no longer an advocate. I would say to people I know not to join because I know that wherever you put your energy towards adds to something bigger. Provide that energy for something that is going to [truly] help society, that could be more of a service than joining the military. If you want to be part of something bigger, be part of something bigger that is going to [positively] contribute to every single person on this planet.
This article is from Draft NOtices, the newsletter of the Committee Opposed to Militarism and the Draft (http://www.comdsd.org/index.php/draft-notices).
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